Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
You Might Also Like
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
gm
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.