If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
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I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.