ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me refusing to leave twitter
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi