Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
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I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Banking tips
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.