My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
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My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
awkward
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
The Struggle
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”