(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
You Might Also Like
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes