I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table