Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
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Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.