Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
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I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
*offers Batman cough drops*
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
my retirement plan is braless
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse