Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
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I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.