Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
You Might Also Like
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Google Pay be like:
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off