Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
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[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
North and South
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.