There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
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What?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.