Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
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Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean