*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
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He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.