[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
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airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00