I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
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*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.