🚲+physics = winner
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Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.