When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
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I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends