amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
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My last name is Zilla.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Worst Native American name ever.