Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
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Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video