Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
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*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral