Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
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I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]