I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
never ask a starfish for directions
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls