I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
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Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Weirdos gonna weird.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Seems a bit forward
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this