My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
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INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.