Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
The government even made aliens boring
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.