The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell