Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
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CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Trains are just sideway elevators.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
no cat here
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky