“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
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It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.