SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
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“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.