He took my last fry, your honor
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me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!