Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
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*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?