concern
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I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Otters see a butterfly.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*