“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
You Might Also Like
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Well, that should do it
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.