[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
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taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Cake safety first. Always.