I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
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She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Did my cat write this
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh