That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
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[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets