The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
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When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.