If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
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DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.