On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*