Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
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Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Chicago sounds lovely.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market