[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
You Might Also Like
meanwhile over on facebook
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
What if all the cashiers are married?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
A leaf blower, but for people.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Every photo I’m tagged in
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again