“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
You Might Also Like
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
How to make infinite energy.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!