[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
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thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
work smarter, not harder
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can鈥檛 have a popsicle in the car. You鈥檒l get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Not recommended for beginners.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I don鈥檛 want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 馃檪
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
what my roast potatoes see when they鈥檙e in the oven
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Is this a threat?
cyclists
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.