me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
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[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I’m not stressed
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.