For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
That took me a moment.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.