Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
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-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham