There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
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She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands