Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
You Might Also Like
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies